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Is your child a bully? Would you know if they were?

This topic contains 12 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  ErinO 4 years, 11 months ago.

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  • #175246

    EGL Admin
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    The suicide of the 12 year old boy last week is very disturbing because there was a pattern of bullying. I don’t know what the schools did. They said they did what they could. I am also wondering what did the parents of the kids who were the bullies do about it? I would think if your kid was a bully you would know it. It may be subtle, like teasing some friends and it’s playful it seems, but maybe its more when it someone they don’t know.

    We’ve discussed with our kids that God created everyone differently and sometimes there are funny situations with friends, but teasing other kids is not acceptable. I know from coaching soccer for the last 6 years that some kids seem like good kids but when you aren’t watching they can be little jerks. Last year we had an issue with a couple of kids telling a teammate that he sucked and that’s why they lost. That really infuriated me when I found out about it. I knew who did it, but I used it to address the whole team and I was pretty upset with them and I said it loud enough for parents to hear it as well. I have zero tolerance for kids who do that. If I saw a kid bullying another kid I would have no problem telling the parents about it. If a kid bullied one of my sons I would be at their doorstep. I wouldn’t wait for the school and all that crap. I would make sure the parents knew what their kid did and it better not happen again.

    I think while some parents don’t condone it, I think they ignore it and think it makes their kids tough if they can dish it out and take it. Maybe that is true. teach your kids to be able to take it, but not dish it out. Now that we have a son in middle school I think it’s more of a concern to us because there are now 1400 kids not just 300, most of which were smaller. Our son had a little incident. Wasn’t bullying, just random. He was walking between classes and he thinks an 8th grader walked up and kneed him in the stomach. He wasn’t hurt. It was just random. The kid kept on going. It didn’t seem to bother our son because he came home and then an hour later and told me. We have funny way we talk to each other, we make random comments to each other. He comes up and sits down next to me and says, “so, I got kneed in the stomach today.” Then I say “what?” Then he explains it. He was not scared or upset. It was just matter of fact. So we contacted the school and heard back from the Principal and VP. They talked to my son, showed him some photos, but he couldn’t identify the other kid. He’s been taking karate at Kovar’s for 9 months so we told the instructor about it and they went over with him when it’s okay to use your karate. I do love Kovar’s because they emphasize bullying and and how to respond and also to make sure that if you see someone getting bullied that you step in or get help.

    I think everyone that reads this should talk to their kids make sure they understand what bullying is, how that is different than maybe just teasing a friend. That it’s not acceptable to make fun of other kids for whatever reason. Everyone is different. I know it’s hard for kids to stick up for others sometimes because they want to be cool and not cause problems. We need to empower kids to not be afraid and any type of retaliation should be dealt with severely. Make sure the parents also know what is and isn’t acceptable. I think some parents dismiss it as kids just being kids. With boys its physical and with girls it’s more emotional and verbal type of bullying. I’ve heard the girls can be really mean about it from parents who have girls. I think that gets overlooked because it’s not physical but it is just as damaging. Your kids take to school what they learn and see at home. Look for the signs of them being bullied or being a bully.

    I am meeting with someone in the community this week to discuss bullying and what we can do, maybe just bring more awareness to the issue.

  • #271138

    newmom
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    Girls can be horrible. My daughter and I discuss behavior all the time. My daughter isn’t the type to speak up, even if she disagrees with something (well, everywhere but at home!) and we’ve talked about her walking away from situations her friends are involved in if she won’t speak up. Last year at the end of 6th grade she was called in the principal’s office at school because of some things a friend of her’s had been saying to another girl on the playground and my daughter was basically questioned in front of her friends. She was put in a no win position but it wasn’t the first time. We’ve talked about the fact that she either has to hang out with some different people, learn to speak up, or walk away-or else she will be guilty by association. I think with most boys the bullying is physical, and with girls it’s a lot of emotional, talking stuff, less physical than boys.

  • #271142

    violarose
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    A million times we have had this talk. It’s important to me that I didnt accidentally raise a bully. Sometimes when the girls have friends over you can see manipulative behavior.

  • #271139

    newmom
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    Yes! They are SO manipulative. And it seems to start younger and younger.

  • #271140

    tomwaltman
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    My daughter has friends who can be pretty manipulative. Nothing really bad, but typical girl stuff. We talk with the kids all the time abut how their actions can hurt others, and how they should react when they are hurt by others. My daughter is an introvert by nature, so she is oblivious to much of the stuff that goes on. My son is an extrovert who can tell you exactly who is being mean at school. Both seem to deal with the drama pretty well, and steer clear when it involves their friends.

  • #271146

    ErinO
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    Unfortunately most children who are bullies come from homes with some form of dysfunction, and that’s what leads them to need to pick on others to feel better about themselves. Often they are children of parents or siblings who are bullies themselves and they learn the behavior at home. It’s hard to combat when the parents are the root of the problem.

  • #271144

    kindrlindr
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    Although one of my sons has experienced being the target of a bully, my kids would NEVER in a million years BE a bully….except to each other 😉 They have had me teaching them to be kind since the day they were born. I am all about treating others with respect.

  • #271134

    EGL Admin
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    @erino 100435 wrote:

    Unfortunately most children who are bullies come from homes with some form of dysfunction, and that’s what leads them to need to pick on others to feel better about themselves. Often they are children of parents or siblings who are bullies themselves and they learn the behavior at home. It’s hard to combat when the parents are the root of the problem.

    Bingo right there. I think the parents are most of the problem. Some think it’s a sign of toughness probably. Then who knows what they tell the kid once they find out. Maybe joke about the other kid being delicate or fragile and that serves no purpose.

    When I was in high school there were some kids being picked on and I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t know what to do and figured it was the school’s problem but the school did nothing. A teacher stop it if it got too bad but that’s about it. Things were different then and you were expected to suck it up and deal with it. All of this is another reason why I am no hurry to allow our kids access to social media. My oldest can text some friends and our family. Our youngest can text family. No Facebook or any other stuff. There’s no need for it for kids that young. Maybe in high school. We will see. We generally try not to parent according to what others do if we don’t agree. Bunch of kids got phones going into middle school. We gave our son a cheap Nokia phone that he can call on. They can’t use it a school and he’s not out at the park or somewhere by himself.

  • #271137

    joy
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    My kids know that to me, standing by and watching it is about the same as doing it and they would never get in trouble at home for trying to stand up for someone.

    I’ve mentioned the movie Bully before. I thought of it again when I heard about this kid from Folsom. It breaks my heart to think about how many instances there probably were where someone standing up or speaking up could have made the difference.

  • #271141

    Annet50
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    I hope my son will not be bullied, I know he wouldn’t be a bully himself, unfortunately we do keep him pretty isolated, he doesn’t really have that many friends. He did have one that he really liked but he changed tracks, and told him he doesn’t have B track friends anymore..that kind of made him sad. And it seems he get attracted to the kids that do bully, so I try to get him to keep his distance from them.

  • #271145

    Julia
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    We need to ask not only whether our kids could be the bully but whether they are the ones being bullied. It’s so easy for kids to hide things from us today, we may have no idea this is going on. I believe in occasionally reading my kids’ texts, instagram, etc. It’s my job as parent to make sure they are safe. I know some consider this an invasion of privacy, but I disagree. I believe it’s my job as parent.

  • #271135

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    I agree Julia. I think once they are older teens I probably wouldn’t, and not sure we will do it at all unless we have a reason to believe there is something wrong or they did something to break our trust.

  • #271136

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    Meeting someone for lunch today to discuss this topic and see what we can do about here locally. If anyone has any ideas, feel free to let me know.

  • #271143

    violarose
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    I think the zero policy is too black and white. I am so proud of my girls when they see bullying and they step up. Teachers have put thier head in the sand. Well they always have done that.

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